Nate Faulkenberry

I’ve been living without emotion for a few weeks now. It’s as if colour has been taken from my eyesight and I am left seeing only pale grays. I’m not even seeing in black and white anymore (but mostly because I find that to be terribly cliche). It’s a decent life as long as I am constantly busy, constantly moving and avoiding my thoughts. However, when the day slows down I find myself alone, thinking and predicting sooner or later I’ll be entitled to a collapse. Music, for me, has been the only thing keeping my pulse consistent enough to avoid cardiac arrest.

Jon and I have been hard at work discovering he does, in fact, have rhythm and tempo in his songs (most anyways). Tempo mapping has gone a lot smoother than I expected. I’ve always been hesitant to work with Jon because of his fluctuation in tempo. But the metronome fixes all and that is a good thing. We’re still a few weeks off from laying down tracks as we take the time to experiment with different sounds and recording techniques. We’re both just aching to get to the production point of this project but slow and steady is what our second grade teachers drilled into our brains, so we’re taking that to heart. Slow and steady to the heart will most likely keep us from cardiac arrest.

I am tired and I am willing to give up searching for the person who can listen to me as well as I listen to them. My issues are seemingly forever put aside for the likes of everyone else and I can’t manage that any longer. Is a vacation in sight? No. No vacation is in sight. But my vision is full of illusions and dull, so right now I trust my ears and let music flood my imagination.

Aside from feeling pretty down today, things have been extremely well lately. It’s definitely worth writing about, so let’s do this.

New gear just arrived:

Palmer PDI-03 (haven’t tried it yet but I am very anxious to!)
Shure SM81 - God I love microphones.
Reason 4.0 - Refills are fully loaded.
M-Audio Oxygen 49 MIDI controller - Not bad, but not my first choice. I can always rely on Guitar Center to never have the product I want in stock.
PACS Microphone cables are on the way soon, along with some specially engineered instrument cables.

LIA is wrapping up the writing process. We’re almost done (which is great because we’re almost ready to face punch each other) with all the songs that will be up for recording on the new album. But we’re not done yet, so I’m sure someone’s face will get punched soon enough.

Last week I listened to some old music that my friend Jon Bolles and I recorded a few years back. Jon and I have been playing music for quite a long time. We started together in a punk rock band, Silverline, way back in my early high school days and then moved on to an acoustic project, The Best Mistake. We went separate ways when I joined LIA but continued to stay in touch over the years. Listening to old TBM recordings we did on our old Roland Digital recorder down in the depths of my basement really made me want to work with Jon again.

JB came over last night and we started collaborating instantly. He played through a list of his songs so I could get a feel for them. I’m going to stop right here and take the opportunity to evaluate Jon’s music. Jon has certainly come a long way as a musician. He knows how to write captivating songs with nothing other than his acoustic guitar and his voice. His songs are filled with dynamics and his voice accommodates that well by being strong in presence but soft when appropriate.

Long story short, we’re going to do a full length album together. I will be doing several different roles: percussion, programming, producing & engineering. Meanwhile, Jon will be the creative flow behind the project by laying down strong guitar and vocal tracks while inventing extra musical parts to accommodate his songs. We’re focusing on capturing the aspect of Jon’s live performance rather than over processing and over dubbing a streamlined mix. We discussed and planned out how the whole process will happen. I’m not going to get into detail about it yet but I will write more about it as the project takes off over the next few weeks. Early next week, Jon and I will start pre-production work for the record. This will involve everything from tempo mapping to experimental miking and monitoring. It will most likely be the most tedious part of the recording process but will pay off in the end and allow for much more creativity. If you’re interested in hearing Jon, his work is ‘murder over madison’ and can be listened to here.

I’ll leave you with an image of Jon conducting my freshly programmed concert hall full of violinists.

I miss my chronic passion for listening to NOFX (hence the title) but I still listen to The Decline on a weekly basis. I finally got a chance to sit back and catch my breath today. I’ve been incredibly busy, which I actually don’t mind at all. It feels good keeping a constant flow going. Here’s what I’ve been up to:

1) ePath: Nothing like a 40 hour work week every week while everyone else my age is dodging days off from their part time job at the beach. It’s not all bad though. Air conditioned office, full health insurance and a big paycheck are not to be overlooked. Not to mention the ability to work from home.

2) my right arm: I’ve been suffering from arm pain for at least the past two years of my life. I went to the doctor a long time ago and was told it was tendinitis. I did my best to get rid of it, but it never fully healed. Lately, it’s been in pain almost every day so I decided to take action again. Several doctor trips later and some normal looking x-rays have landed me in physical therapy.

3) Lost In Ashford: Practice 3 to 4 days a week really impacts my free time. If I have practice, I have just enough time to get home and change after work before I’m on my way. The press is on to complete the last couple songs for our first full length album. We’re stressing these last couple of songs because we want them to hit hard. Writer’s block can be a real bitch when it’s split 5 different ways. I can’t wait to finish writing so we can get into some pre-pro work. I’m going to be producing all the demos for LIA to gain recording engineering experience. Needless to say, I am very excited about that.

4) well so am i: I’ve been getting a lot of questions about wsai, most of them generally wanting to know what it’s about. I’m not giving away all the details just yet, but I will write about it soon. In short, wsai is an idea that I’ve had for awhile that is now being pursued by myself and my friend Andy Wallace (congrats on the name drop, Andy). I am really excited about this project and have a feeling it’s really going to take off.

5) cables, cables: Lloyd and I are back in action working on some new microphone cables for my studio set up. I am very, very excited to get the rest of my cables. I will also be picking up some sm81’s, a palmer PDI-03 and most likely a few other fun things!

This entry took about 5 hours to write.

I could run the scenario over one thousand times and still be unable to understand how or why my parents ended up married. Although I don’t really know the story of how they met, I have been able to piece together their lives through the odds and ends of relative conversations. I can really only assume that after two divorces and a death you might rely on someone you never thought of before. Of course, I can only speculate on that matter because emotions are well hidden throughout my whole family tree and who am I to expose the reality of that?

Being born from such ‘humble’ beginnings has left its mark on my personality. It’s clearly evident that I wear my heart on my sleeve, suffer hopeless romantic syndrome and far, far more. It can be pretty difficult to manage at times. I will constantly find myself attached to one person or another. I’m always looking for a way to explain myself, but rarely do I ever find the right words to do so. I’ll do anything to keep my mind consistently busy to ignore how I’m really feeling. Sadly, I exhaust my brain and end up collapsing into depression from trying to avoid just that.

I’ve felt the effects of my family tree my whole life but I’ve never blamed it for who I am. I’m not ashamed of anything, don’t get me wrong, I have very positive traits. For example: I’ve been told by friends before when we first meet they feel like they’ve known me their whole lives. I’m always flattered to hear that because I assume it means I am easy to talk to. Another example: I’ve had one friend of mine stick by me for almost 10 years. That’s half my life. We lead two separate lives for the most part. She’ll be off at college, traveling or always doing something new. We loose touch every once in awhile but always end up back together somehow and we pick up right where we left off. It’s incredible because only until recently I never really considered our friendship to be as special as it really is and I know we’ll never lose track of each other.

Being this way can be a real task at times. I don’t always deal with situations in the healthiest matter and I resort to depression all too often (which doesn’t even make sense, but I won’t bother trying to explain). It’s who I am and I will forever stay true to myself.

Dear internet,

I apologize for my lack of interest in writing lately. You see, I let my life catch the wind again and take me away in another direction. But the crazy thing about wind is it usually means something worse is following, like a thunderstorm with thick black clouds choking out the sunlight. So I think I’m going to purposefully crash my life kite into the ground before it gets hit by lightening.

I’d like to believe I’m the better man except I’m always losing or just not trying hard enough. I’ll admit that I’d be the first person to get knocked unconscious in a one on one match. The problem is, this fight club is strictly internal and always ends in a draw. There is no hype. It’s completely confidential. There will be no media and no press. Quite honestly, if word was to get out I’d throw in the towel before the bell even rang.

Without any further speculation I’d like to go ahead and push the reset button. Because I know where this is heading and I suppose I’m better off being alone.

Yours forever,
Nate

Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re waiting in line for your turn to meet a person. Then, when you meet them it’s everything you expected and more. Oh, the possibilities of this friendship are great. You’ll be taken to higher places and learn that life is about living. Trust me, you’ll get there. I’ve been where you are before and I know where you need to be. I’m here if you need me.

I love helping people and I can’t help but thank God for giving me that gift.

Life’s been pretty slow lately. This weekend was nothing out of the ordinary. My Grandmother is on her way back to Ohio; she left early this morning before anyone was even up. That’s normally how she leaves but I wish she’d stick around for a goodbye. Bad feelings are generally kept quiet in my family. It was nice having her around for the weekend although I wish she’d feel more welcome at our house and stay longer. In the end we did some talking, but certainly not enough.

This weekend coming up is a 3 day weekend for me. I want to get away for awhile. I have nothing planned but I’m hoping to find someone that wants to tag along with me on some sort of adventure. I’ve got a couple places in mind.. perhaps Philadelphia or Niagara Falls. I’m pretty much up for anything that I can make a positive memory out of. It’s very nice not having anything holding me back from doing anything I want to. If I decide I want to take a trip, I’ll take a trip. My parents will know I’m gone when they read the note I leave for them on the counter. Anyone else that wants to reach me knows my number, but will have to wait to see me in person until I get back.

I honestly have no problems with letting life float on this way.

My new favorite flavor of Snapple is now Peach. Raspberry was ousted when Cumbys was sold out. However, Wal Mart didn’t have a case of Peach so I had to go with Raspberry. Oh, my life. So complicated. I’ll actually skip over the real reason for me sitting here writing. I’ve spoken with God on that matter and he has provided me with enough strength to forgive & forget.

My Grandmother is coming out to visit this weekend. She lives in beautiful Lakeside, Ohio. I haven’t been able to visit her house in years because of school, work and being in a band. I love going out to visit her; I have so many great childhood memories in Lakeside. She’s coming to CT for my brother’s college graduation. Last year she was out here around the same time for my sister’s high school graduation. I was in the recording studio during my college graduation but I really wish it meant more to me and she could’ve seen me graduate as well.

I am excited to see her. I don’t really feel like there’s anyone in my family I can sit down with to have a completely honest conversation. I’m hoping that somehow my Grandmother and I can find some time to sit and be alone so that I can let go of everything I am holding in. I feel like I would be able to tell her everything because she knows almost nothing about my life where as my parents insist on awkwardly interrupting with odd and sometimes inept questions and remarks pertaining to my social life. I have a lot to tell her and really hope that there’s time for it. It seems like every time she’s here to visit she is smothered by the rest of my family leaving me very little time with her for myself.

I feel as though this week has been another official reset in my life. I again stand honestly alone (but He is with me now) and somewhat put out. However, this means I’ll be spending a decent amount of time by myself which could be a great thing because I’ve wanted to write a novel for almost two years and I finally feel like I have an amazing plot. If I can go forward with this, it might help me feel more accomplished.

I’m reaching for a 1 liner to end this conversation but it’s not coming to me. I do love Snapple though.

Thank you God for lighting my way once again.

Happy mother’s day.

I’m living with huge regrets, I wish it was as easy as letting them all go. I hate feeling like I don’t really have a purpose in life. I’m an empty canvas directed by a nervous artist, begging the colours to paint themselves into something beautiful. It doesn’t happen and as time goes on it seems less likely that I will hang in a museum of collected perfection.

Everyone seems to have their place in this world, it’s terrible to feel the opposite. I’ve been all that I am twenty years now but I still can’t seem to find peace with my surroundings or with myself. It doesn’t take much more then a slight remark for me to feel singled out and put down. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is. What’s worse is that this makes me question everything about myself. It’s a very fragile chain of insecurities that leads to depression and self doubt.

I don’t seem to have an identity anymore… or did I ever?